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Techniques to aid you in listening to your children

Your child is depending on you to be able to listen to them and to really hear them out, even though they may not act like it. Actively listening to your child is extremely crucial if you want clear and open communication to become a regular habit. Although children may often find it difficult to fully express their feelings and what they want to say, there are other methods on how you can effectively listen to your kids.

Many times you can tell that your child wants you to listen to her by expressing it in a non verbal way. Her body language is an excellent barometer of how she feels and whether she needs to be listened to. A sobbing two year old needs someone to be patient and take some time to listen to her. Similarly, a seven year old moping in the corner is sending a very clear message that she needs someone to listen to her.

The following are methods of effectively listening to children:

1. The younger your child is the more you need to observe and “listen” to her gestures and body language. Watch for gestures and facial expressions and then gently ask carefully phrased questions to find out exactly what is wrong. For instance, if your four year old is crying, do not assume that you know what is making her cry. Instead of saying to her “Did that creepy bad spider scared you?” say something like “Are you crying because you are scared?” If she says “yes,” then your next question should be “What was it that scared you?”

If she does not know or having a hard time saying it, then be patient and stay with her until both of you resolve the problem. You might need to ask her fifteen questions before you figure out what is wrong. But if you immediately suggest to her that it was the spider that scared her and it did not, then you have introduced another topic to deal with and may never know what it was that really scared her.

2. Get ready to listen to their fantasy or imaginary friends. Talking through your child, fantasy or imaginary friends can offer you a lot of information and details about your child’s concerns and fears.

3. Listen carefully for statements that imply “my friend.” Sometimes, a child will describe her problem by talking about a friend who has the same problem. In other words, she will tell you exactly how she feels but refer to herself as another imaginary person.

4. Listen carefully and kindly. Do not make any judgments and you will definitely get more out of your child. But you do not have to accept everything that she tells you but be sure to put off the judgment until you hear the whole story. By rushing into judgment, your child will clam up and it will be more difficult for you to help her with her problems in the future.